I go upstairs and I’m feeling better because I’ve got this sudden burst of chemical energy and I’ve finished my bourbon and I order another one and I see B--- dancing in a corner of the room with this nebbish kid he used to fuck four months ago but then sort of got over and now apparently he’s into him again. I don’t see R--- anywhere and I can’t decide why that makes me happy but it just does and I sip my bourbon which I can’t even taste anymore – no silk, no nothing – and I look across the dance floor to see if there’s anyone worth going through the motions with just so I can forget them the next morning but then I spot C--- dancing with a group of people and his shirt is off and he’s got this perfect film of sweat covering his abs and then X--- or K--- whispers something to him and C--- looks over at me and smiles and gives me this nod that basically says “come here” and just that, just that nod, makes me get a little bit hard, so I set my glass down on the bar and push my way through to where C--- is standing. He says something like “I thought we lost you” and I tell him that no, never, and he says something else that during another lifetime I probably would have written off as unacceptable or offensive or cheesy or something but now makes me even harder and I say something else but I can’t hear it and I don’t think that he can either but he laughs anyway and he puts his hand on the small of my back and starts moving closer toward me and it’s then that I see R--- come upstairs with the blonde kid and he looks at me and sort of shakes his head in this sad way and I turn away from him and back into C---‘s abs and dance closer to him and start feeling his sweat drench my shirt and my heart is racing so fast and I can feel R--- looking disappointingly into the back of my head and that makes me smile and cry and laugh and grimace all at once and C--- asks me what’s wrong and I can feel the front of his Diesel jeans pressing against my back and I tell him that nothing’s wrong but that it’s just hot in here and that it’s getting late and I’m ready to go to an after party or something or maybe get something to eat or another drink, just something away from here.
So he tells me that there’s this after party at his place and we should go and then he grabs my hand and I’m feeling all beautiful and damned all at once.
